We are here

Cannot believe it, but here we are. A traitor in the White House who has sold our democracy. Complicit members of his party who are ignoring what has happened. A literal cult of followers who believe that tried and true journalists are fake news. It is unfathomable to me.

How did we get here? How did we end up with so many who are so immeshed in the MAGA cult that they cannot see what is happening? Whatever happened to Better Dead Than Red?

I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. I don't. I can blame it on Reagan and the Fairness Doctrine which led to the abomination that is Fox News, but is that truly fair or accurate? Are we not bound to discern what is accurate for ourselves? Or do we rely on liars like Fox or Breitbart or Inforwars to complete us with their lies that affirm our confirmation bias? Are we truly THAT stupid?

I had a company come out and examine a crack in my foundation. Their price to fix? Roughly 10x the competition's. Is it not on ME as the consumer to investigate and compare and research what is truth and what isn't?

I guess not. I guess the educator and researcher in me expects too much.

And, this? This is what we are dealt for not paying attention? For not dismissing the lies about HRC? We end up with a Russian asset in the White House?

I wish I could say that the people of the United States don't deserve this, but given the response of the 45 sycophants? I'm not so sure.

I weep for what was.

I take up space here. Like a chair. The disappearance of which wouldn't make any difference.

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. And, I have no right. I guess I thought the Golden Years of empty nesters would be different. Didn't count on profound heart disease to destroy what I had thought would happen.

No right to complain. The man I love is here. He's here. And, he tries as hard as he can to cope with the shit pile Karma handed him.

But I'm lonely. He can't go out to dinner or to a show. He can't travel. Lunch is the best I can hope for at my age and I'm still working so that's out most of the time.

Maybe I did this to myself. Maybe I'm lonely because people hate me and I am blaming it on someone's health.

I wish I knew. But I am so, so alone. I travel for work. And, it terrifies me to leave him. I don't want to go anywhere at night for the same reason.

Not a lot of understanding. Doing my best but falling short.

Post election 2016

I've been in mourning since the election. And, I'm not sure how to express why I am so sad, but here goes.

I grew up in the 70's. I was born to amazingly liberal parents who were devout Catholics, but believed above all in the tenets of Christ. Helping the poor, healing the sick, you get the drift. My mom has an award dedicated to her as well as a beautiful marble bench at the Church we all called home for decades.

My mom was in charge of the Social Justice Committee prior to her death in 2002. She and I would often have conversations about the concerns of others on the committee that some of these folks were 'double dipping'. As in going from one church to another to get such luxuries as soap, food, winter coats. The bastids. How dare they.

The thing that most worried me about my mom's Ministry? Is that as an elderly woman, she would literally get out of bed to meet with a young mom who needed diapers or formula at Stop and Shop, regardless of the hour or the weather conditions. I finally put a stop to that by giving the management there my credit card number so that when my mom got a call in the middle of the night, she could just direct the person who needed help to the store under that account and they would be fine. If it possibly prevented my mom from slipping and killing herself, it was money well spent.

What I am really mourning is that every edict I grew up with has been destroyed.  Apparently, treating the marginalized communities is a bad thing and I don't know how to digest that. My dad was a history major and one of my fondest memories of him is his visiting the Museum of the Confederacy here in Richmond. I dropped him off and picked him up several hours later. As someone who ONLY read historical non fiction, I was interested in his perspective. (I'd already come to my own conclusion). He was not a historian, but he was an amazingly brilliant man. He stated that night in my home over dinner that he feared a lot of misleading information was being distributed by the Museum, and judging by the enormous number of yahoos waving the Battle Flag of Northern Virginia ( which was never adopted by the Confederate States) I believe him.

I believe Trump is dangerous. I believe False News is dangerous. I am appalled at the number of college educated people who believe this dreck. And, selfishly, I am sorry for me. I have helped people who needed it for decades. If I hadn't? I would have a beach house on Maui. But I wanted to make a difference. I wanted my time here to matter. Yes, we have done well financially. Which is what I believe is a call from God to help others. Ya can't take it with you.

And, now? My entire purpose is done. And, I am bereft.

Rough week topped off with my baby having a suspicious mole removed. So, so weary of tears and worry.

Nice Thanksgiving with my SiL and nephew. So much information and darkness was shared that I fear if I ever fully lower the mask, I will end up in the psych ward.  Still trying to process, but not having much luck. Just profound sorrow.

Oy!!! Been a while. So much going on. Mike is a senior in college; Cait just got her Master's; and my baby graduates in two weeks!!!

Amazing couple of years. Mike, the husband lost his job in Oct. 2012, which turned out to be the greatest gift ever. He took early retirement and he's HERE all the time. No more worrying about his not picking up his phone because even though he still doesn't? He's no further than Lowe's. Cannot begin to express the relief. Not kidding.